Chapter 3
See you when you get to heaven Bella.
Please live a full life, we will have much to talk about.
Until then,
Your loving Edward
Heart Break:
Over and over Bella could see those words, word by word; each stung her, each time she read them. Jacob sat next to her, listening to her soft, no’s. Not sure what else to do, he just held Bella as she wailed.
- Jacob jumped up from the nightmare. Bella had been moaning and screaming Edwards’s name.His heart was racing, he didn’t want to relive that moment, and her wails were echoing in his mind, he didn’t want to hear Bella hurt like that ever again. He would do anything to make it better. To make it go away, to make her smile again, to have her love him.
He sat on his bed trying to shake those memories, trying to think about other things. It seemed like he just left Sam’s. It couldn’t be that late. Why cant he just rest and sleep off the talk he had with Sam.But he could still hear Bella. Jacob slid to the floor, leaning his back on his bed.No matter how hard he tried to think about other things, the memory of Bella’s cries shook him to the core. It was too much to handle, Jacob climbed back on the bed and willed them to go away.
He started to think, with Charlie away fishing, he wondered if the neighbors had called him to tell them about the wailing noises they heard coming from his house. The houses were far enough apart, but Bella was really upset, and the pain came thru as she grieved. Jacob rolled over and got under the covers, his towel lost in the shuffling, he covered his head, and prayed for sleep.
Bella wouldn’t stop crying, nothing he did soothed her, she moaned in agony as she held that letter tightly.
- I held her, thought Jacob. I tried to comfort her, I tried my best. I rocked her, I brushed her hair softly, like I had read in those magazines, how to caress a girl. Nothing was working. She kept on moaning and screaming and the tears poured down her face.
She started screaming at me, “Why! Jacob why did he do this, he went to the Volturi? Did he ask you to go with him, but you wouldn’t have gone with him Jacob, how, what, I mean did, Jacob what did he say, why did he give this to you, what was he thinking, did he …..”
Nothing he said to her mattered, “Bella, wait, I’m trying to keep up with your questions, and I really don’t have the answers you want, its just like I told you, he gave that letter to me, and said see that Bella got it, said that he was going away and that I should look after you because he wasn’t coming back. That’s it Bella that’s all he said.”
Watching Bella, he saw the anguish all over her face.
He hated lying to her, he wanted to confess. The way she looked at him for answers. The way her face twisted from worry to despair.
- Jacob lay in bed and thought about how he had hurt her.I wanted to take that away. It was the first time I had really thought about how much I hated killing Edward. I just thought I could do it and be ok. I had been dreaming about getting rid of Edward for a long time, how I would do it and be satisfied that he was out of Bella’s life for good. Now it felt odd. I felt guilty, but at the same time, I was happy he was gone.
Jacob could hear Bella’s weeping in his ears. He couldn’t lie still any more. But he turned on his back and “I’m no monster “, he yelled.
I just wanted to make it all go away. I wish now it was a bad dream like she was wishing. I thought she would be ok. I never thought it would be this bad. I rocked and soothed her the best way I could. She stopped asking questions and held onto me. I was her friend, she could trust me, I’m sure that’s what she had been thinking.
Shaking his head Jacob thought, I didn’t mean to hurt Bella. I never thought the guilt would eat at me, I always thought I would fight Edward to the death and I would win, fair and square, and Bella would be angry and a little hurt maybe, but would come to see that I won and he lost. I guess that’s why they call them dreams. Because it sure was a dream to think Bella would be ok. All I want is for us to be together. I hate it, hate it ! If I could take it back I would, I would have done it differently, thought it out more. Damn Edward! He thought this out, he knew she would be like this, he knew that I would never be able to get through to Bella.
Jacob’s anger comes out again, “Well he is wrong! I will get through to her, I don’t know how, but I will and when I do….”
“Jacob”?
- Everything came crushing in on him, his thoughts wouldn’t let go, they grabbed him and play by play he was in Bella’s room with her all over again.
I looked into her face, trying hard to keep the shame and guilt out of my responses. I’m glad she couldn’t read minds, because if she could, she would know.
“Yes Bella”?
“Why, why did he go and do this, I mean it says here in the letter that he will see me in Heaven. I didn’t think he ever believed me; he makes it sound like he does, but maybe he was just saying it to make me feel like he would be there when I do die.
Why, why Jacob, why would he leave me like that without saying goodbye and why he would leave when everything was ok. We were ok. I told him I would do what he wanted. I would have done anything Jacob.”
- He remembered how tense he had become when she talked about her feelings for Edward, it hurt.
“What was it that he said when he gave you this this, dumb letter. It, it just doesn’t make any sense. Jacob, I ….”
“Bella wait, you weren’t there, so you have to go with what I said, he told me when to give you this, said see that Bella got it, said that he was going away and that I should look after you because he wasn’t coming back. That’s it Bella that’s all he said.”
Bella jumped up, Jacob was taken aback, her anger was different from the crying and it seemed even more hysterics than anything.
Shouting Bella said, “Stop it, Stop it ! Stop repeating that, stop repeating that he wasn’t coming back and that he wanted you to take care of me. That’s a lie, he would never leave me, he would never leave and let you take care of me, you’re, you’re lying to me Jacob. You’re lying and you know you’re lying”.
- He really thought he could take it, but it got worse.
Bella went straight for Jacob, she started swinging frantically at him, but he had already jumped up to grab her as she came at him. She was swinging at air, as he turned her around with her back to his solid frame.
“Bella stop it, stop, I’m not lying, you have to believe me”.
“NO “! Bella continued to try to get away, Jacob held her tight, not so much that he would hurt her, but enough so that she couldn’t turn around.
If she was able to turn, she would see the anguish on his face. The sad truth, he was lying. He could never tell her though, because if she knew, she would hate him and never talk to him again. He couldn’t risk that, he could never risk that, he loved Bella and he would do anything to keep that a secret.
- His thoughts getting the best of him, he jumped out of bed, threw on his shorts and headed outside to his favorite sitting spot, a stump in the back of the house.After seeing Jacob had been with Edward, Sam was furious that day Jacob came back and the other brothers stayed away from him for the rest of the day.
I didn’t try to explain to Sam, he heard why in my thoughts, he could hear them across miles as I got closer to the Rez.
He knew Edward had set this all up and if I had became wolf before I had left La Push, the others and Sam would have known that I was making a mistake and would have probably talked me out of it, making me see it would benefit Edwards’s plans not mine.
Jacob sat on his thinking stump and closed his eyes, putting his face to the sky; he tried to concentrate on peaceful things. It wasn’t happening.
Funny how things can haunt you and those of that day probably will disturb my mind forever.
I knew I had a lot to do, but instead I want to sit here on this stump letting all these things get in the way of what I am suppose to really be doing. Dumb Jacob, you’re really dumb.
He took a deep breathe and let all the memories rush him at once, because he remembered what Sam had said, he needed to be at peace before he took on this quest.
As if a flood gate opened, thoughts rushed thru his mind.
What do I say to her, what do I say to make it right?
“He would never leave me; he would never leave me to you to take care of, he knows I love him, he knows I could never love you, he knows I would NEVER love you, he knows that Jacob ! You’re lying, I know you’re lying”. Bella squirmed against Jacob.
He turned her around and pushed her to the bed.
She stopped screaming to look at him.
“STOP it ! Just listen, I don’t need to lie to you, you know I hated Edward, you know I would never do anything to stop him if he wanted to leave Fork’s. Yes Bella I would do anything to make you happy! Do you think I wanted to bring you that letter? Do you? Do you think I like seeing you crazy out of your mind for that icy piece of bone? Don’t interrupt me Bella, you listen to me, you can wail and cry all you want, but I wont sit with you any more, I wont come anywhere near you, you hate me that much, you don’t have to love me, you don’t have to like me, you can go on and just die right here thinking he cared so much about you, when I’m right here, I’m right here ! I’m the one that’s left, I’m the one that’s making sure you’re ok, I’m the one that’s standing here while you try to hurt me. Try to tear my heart out. Damn you Bella. You go right on and mourn the death of a crappy guy that didn’t want you enough to live for you.
And with that, Jacob turned and walked out of Bella’s room.
Bella open and closed her eyes, instant anger took over. After a minute she jumped up and ran out her bedroom door after Jacob.
He was already out the front door and going towards his motorcycle when she yelled, “I know you Jacob Black, I know you, and I know you are lying to me and if you cant tell me the truth, then you better not ever come back here”!
She slammed the door, ran back upstairs to her room and fell down on her bed, where she started screaming into her pillow.
Jacob wanted to speed off. He had ever intention of taking off.
But as he sat on his bike with his helmet in his hand, he let Bella’s words rip thru him. He had never hurt so much in his life.
He had lied.
Her words cut him deep. They also had made him angry. He wanted to hurt something or somebody as bad as he was hurting. He needed to run.
He got off the bike, put his helmet on the seat and ran. He ran down the street and crossways into the forest. He was a wolf before he had taken his jacket fully off. He ran and ran as his insides started shattering. He was half way across La Push when he saw his pack brothers. No one said anything in thought, just ran. He didn’t think to tell them he wanted to be alone. He knew they wouldn’t listen, he knew he really needed them there, so they ran.
While Jacob was running, Bella was beating her pillow and screaming Edwards’s name. All her anger now went into hating Jacob.
She hated that he brought her that dumb letter, she hated him for lying to her and she hated him for everything. He probably told Edward it was a great idea to leave Bella in his care. She didn’t need anyone to take care of her; she could take care of herself. She just wanted Edward. She hated Jacob. She hated him.
How could he let Edward, how could he, he knew how much Edward meant to her, he knew she would hate him, what she said she meant. If he didn’t come back and tell her the truth she would hate him forever and never want to see him again.
Tears streaming down her face, Bella screamed “I HATE YOU JACOB”!
Her fury was burning now deeper than any mourning. She wanted to tell Jacob off again, she wanted to slap his face and tell him how much she hated him for lying. She knew he would do something like this; she hated him so much.
Bella got off her bed and started pacing around her room.
Talking to herself, “Jacob you make me so sick, you and those wolves and how you think you are all that, I don’t care if you are 6ft whatever tall and think that everyone should be afraid of your, your muscles like a house do not scare me either and I know that the Cullen’s are not afraid of you…”
She stopped.
The Cullen’s.
Where was Alice?
Where was everybody? Why didn’t Alice come and tell me what Edward had planned to do, why didn’t …
Bella ran down the steps and out the door before finishing her own thought. She would drive to the Cullen’s and demand some answers.
She went to the truck.
Damn! She had forgotten her keys.
She ran back inside the house and up the stairs, tearing her room apart she looked for her truck keys. They weren’t there. Where were they, where were the damn keys?
She looked under her covers, throwing them everywhere, looked under the bed, under her desk, on the desk, behind her door and under the window seal.
“Where the hell are my keys”?
She dropped to the floor. Everything thrown around, she looked around her; she tried to remember where she had last had them. Her head hurt, she couldn’t remember anything before that letter.
Where was the letter?
She got on her knees and looked under the covers that were scattered all over. There underneath her bed in a corner, was the balled up letter.
Bella picked it up and sat back on the floor. She held it out in front of her. Through the mist of her tears that she thought were all dried up, she looked at the white piece of paper rolled up in a ball, sitting in the palm of her hand.
Bella shook her head, no.
She wanted it to all have been a bad dream; she wanted it to all go away. Jacob had to be lying. Edward would never leave her and say he was going to Heaven. Why would Jacob want her to hurt like this, why would he want her heart broken. She knew he hated Edward. She knew that he never wanted them to be together. Jacob had some fantasy that he and she would end up together.
Bella gasped in horror, Did Jacob kill Edward?
The letter sounds like Edward, but Jacob could have, what Bella, made Edward write it before he killed him. But Edward would never leave me, he promised.
Not feeling so convinced, Bella opened up the letter, looked at the words, even though she had them memorized.
Bella tried really hard to remember the last time they were together, every thing was mulled together, with his words in the letter.
She became confused, her brow creasing more and more into a frown.
Everything was fine, we had a great day. We drove to Canton and had a picnic in the woods. He joked about hunting and being a vegetarian, he would eat all the lilies and tulips if any were around. I told him he was an idiot.
We came back to my house and sat in the kitchen and joked around. I had even reached over to kiss him, he didn’t pull away and he kissed me, long and hard. It did what it always does to me, made me dizzy for more.
Charlie wasn’t home yet, we talked about now that I was out of school we could make plans to go away, Charlie would think I was on some hiking expedition with the Cullen family, chaperoned of course. When Charlie did come home, Edward said good night and I told Charlie I had a long day and was turning in early. He didn’t seem to mind tonight he said he had paper work that he needed to fill out, there was a new deputy he was hiring, because of the increase of vandalism going on in Fork’s. I said my good nights and found Edward in my room as usual. I told him I wanted to shower before I came in and he turned on my CD player and he listened to Cold Play. I just shook my head, Edward wasn’t a big fan, but he liked to see me bop my head to the music, I didn’t have any rhythm he knew that but we both laughed because I always pretended that I did. After my shower, I lay in his arms and started to doze. He wrapped the coverlet around me, and tucked me in while wrapping his arm around me, I felt like I always do, loved, and safe.
I remember looking up at him and wanting a kiss. He smiled down at me and pecked my lips and said, “Sleep”.
I smiled at him and snuggled in; I knew he was happy just being Edward, his protective self. Kissing me more than just minute more than usual, he thinks he would kill me, I just wanted his love.
That’s all that happened, nothing else, nothing else that I can think about, and all that was just the other day.
Angry she balled up the letter and threw it across the floor. It landed by the door, at the feet of Jacob.
- Damn thought Jacob, making peace and putting this past him was hard. I had no idea what Bella was thinking while I ran, so when I did come back, I wasn’t expecting her to be in one piece. I really didn’t know what to think, but looking at her sitting on that floor, she didn’t even hear me at the door; she was just sitting there with her face twisted into a grimace, until she threw the letter. I was afraid for Bella, afraid for what she might do to herself. While running with my brothers, I was feeling sorry for myself. Then I started thinking about her being all alone. They had told me to go be with Bella. That’s when I had stopped running, and turned to go back.
“Come with me Bella”.
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